Control

Sorry I never blogged yesterday, I was entertaining guests till literally 5am, which screwed me out of my morning workout AND my efforts towards a regular sleep schedule. I really need to give myself a set bedtime.

HOWEVER, I absolutely must pat myself on the back for baking my sister the most perfect chocolate chip cheesecake known to man for her birthday yesterday and not having a single slice. Hell, I didn't even lick the batter off my fingers while I made it. Now THAT'S dedication. We won't even talk about the other cakes and cookies present last night, or how I endured the smell of Wendy's at 2am and didn't lunge for the fries like a wildcat. I surprise myself more and more every day.

I'm a little worried that I took too much meatloaf for dinner yesterday (I had a small piece and a half with my salad and peas, didn't touch the mashed potatoes!) But I did only have two meals since I woke up late, and I COMPLETELY deprived myself of delicious desserts... so that balances out in my mind. Today I woke up at 1pm (whoops!) and after bathing the puppy, had a nice turkey and tomato sandwich with mustard on whole wheat, plus an 80 calorie yogurt and some fresh mango... and of course, a cup of coffee. For dinner we couldn't resist trying out this new hoagie place nearby... and I know I promised myself no white breads, but I'm going to have to eat the dinner served at my house. I don't have the money to buy myself my own dinners, but what I CAN do is control my portion sizes. I only ate half an Italian hoagie and never went for any chips or the leftovers. Score.

Tonight I went over to Gina's and had a WONDERFUL workout in her basement. I was sweating like a banshee but for some reason the workout felt much easier than last time. Maybe I need to step it up a notch. I'm really amazed at my self-control and my willingness to work hard for this. Though I'm already starting to miss all the wonderful sweets that usually make up 25% of my diet, I know those cravings will stop being so intense.

I'm a little worried that I will not be able to completely deprive myself of sweets, so I'm going to allow myself a tiny slice of cake/scoop of ice cream/whatever every two weeks or so. Let's say twice a month. While I do need to be strong and tell myself not to have more than just a few bites, I don't want my body to completely freak out for changing my habits so drastically... sweets to me are like drugs, I probably can't quit cold turkey without experiencing insane withdrawal.

Weight loss isn't about deprivation. It's about control. I'm trying to be as smart as I can about all of this, because it's a big change. I don't want to start out too intensely either, because I don't want to run out of steam. I need to be making habits that I can stick to permanently, and I need to be realistic about it. I'm going to have white breads every once in a while because I don't control what is made for dinner. I'm going to have sweets every now and then because I have spent all of my life eating them frequently, and taking them away totally is just not realistic.

I'm happy that I can still make delicious desserts without having to taste them. I'm happy that I am still as dedicated to this as I was five days ago. I am happy that I am not doubting myself, and in fact I'm coming up with more aspirations that can turn into realities if I keep this up. I'm discovering that my days of excess and recklessness are over, and I'm growing into a woman who wants a purpose and a schedule and a reason to get up in the morning. Though I will always be laid-back and go where the tide takes me, I won't let go of who I am and what I want out of pure apathy. I do care about myself and where my life is going. God isn't just going to hand me my life on a silver platter while I float around idly. I need to stand up for myself. I need to have control. And I do... I realize that now more than ever. I have control. I have control! It's amazing!

Three things I am thankful for today:

-The beautiful weather. I can't believe how mild it is for July. Yay global warming!
-Mangoes. They just taste like summertime... and they're pretty low in calories!
-My brand new earrings that my friend Gen made me. They're gorgeous. I love her!